2006-04-13
why easter is not my favorite holiday
The best things were jellybeans. They were dappled to bear some vague resemblance to a real bird's eggs and their colors had no direct relation to their taste. For example, yellow jellybeans don't taste like lemons. Red ones don't taste like raspberry or strawberry or any berry that grows in nature.
Cadbury Creme Eggs are another form of candy fashioned after food that isn't exciting enough in natural form. The foil-wrapped chocolate contains a gooey Day-Glo yolk put there so people could crack them apart in annoying TV commercials. These ads always feature unlikely animals, such as lions, circus seals, and of course, the proverbial bunny, clucking with the aid of a canned-in sound effect. You're supposed to believe that they actually laid the eggs, despite the nutritional label next to an arrow that hints, "Peel Here."
The Easter Bunny made a guest appearance at Mass. His puffy slippered feet seem detached from the rest of him. His ankles peeked between the dingy-white suit, hair-studded and disappointingly human. Kids raced on the hot moist lawn, tossing plastic eggs into plastic baskets fashioned like straw.
I darted around the manicured grass, dodging girls in green-stained stockings. Everyone wanted to find the golden egg. I had no clue what it contained. Probably something spectacular like a coupon for McDonald's French fries.
I spotted a row of eggs under a bush and plunked them in my basket: one, two three. A man with a slicked-on helmet of hair snatched them away.
"You're not supposed to be out here," he snapped. "Only four and five year olds."
I tried to remember if anybody had given us the rules. "Frances has a difficult time following instructions," my report cards said.
I chucked my basket at his bald spot, missing by a mile. Before I could escape, he grabbed me by the arm and swatted my behind. Since my parents never smacked me, I couldn't understand what gave this guy the right.
On the way home, I didn't tell anybody about what happened. I just climbed into the car with an empty basket. I said, "I couldn't find anything." Actually, I had stopped looking.
f-i-n at 9:58 a.m.